Sara Bentley
Watching your child struggle to connect at school can be painful. You may wonder whether to step in, arrange more playdates, or talk to the teacher. A helpful first goal is not to make your child popular or secure a “best friend.” It is to help them feel safe, find chances to connect, and build relationships at a pace that suits them.
Friendship grows through a mix of social skills, repeated contact, shared interests, and a welcoming environment. No single tip can guarantee a close friendship, but you can make the next small step easier.
Start by finding out what school feels like to your child
Choose a calm moment and ask open, specific questions. “Who did you sit with at lunch?” or “Was there a time today you wanted to join in?” may invite more detail than “Did you make any friends?” Listen without immediately correcting, coaching, or contacting the school. Your child may want you to understand first.
Ask what they want. Some children would like help joining a group; others feel content with one or two friends, or need quiet time after a busy school day. A small circle is not automatically a problem. Pay attention to whether your child feels lonely or unsafe, and whether the situation is getting in the way of learning or activities they enjoy.
Make the first step small and predictable
Friendship can feel less daunting when it starts with one compatible classmate and a shared activity. Ask your child whom they enjoy being around, then consider a short, structured plan: drawing, building something, playing a familiar game, kicking a ball, or working on a project together. A clear activity gives children something to do while they get comfortable.
Keep the first get-together short enough to end on a good note. Let the children choose between a couple of activities, and give them some space rather than directing every moment. Afterwards, ask your child what felt easy or difficult. The aim is not to score the playdate, but to learn whether both children enjoyed spending time together.
There is some direct, though limited, evidence for this kind of parent support. In a small randomized pilot involving 62 children with ADHD, a parent friendship-coaching program improved some measures of friendship quality and peer acceptance, but not every outcome. Because the study focused on children with ADHD and used an intensive program, it does not prove that the same approach works for every family.
Practice skills in the situations where they are needed
Children can rehearse simple ways to start and sustain an interaction. For example, they might try, “Can I play too?” or “What are you making?” They can practice listening to the answer, taking turns, suggesting an idea, and accepting a “not right now” without deciding that nobody likes them.
Role-play briefly at home, then give your child real chances to try. If a disagreement happens, practice words for solving it: “I didn’t like that—can we try again?” or “Let’s take turns choosing.” The point is not to teach a perfect script. It is to help your child feel they have a few options when a social moment gets awkward.
Evidence supports building social and emotional skills, but it is important to be precise about what that means. A major meta-analysis of 213 school-based social-emotional learning programs involving 270,034 students found improvements in broad social-emotional skills and behavior. Those findings do not mean that every program directly creates friendships. A separate randomized trial with 224 elementary students who had been identified as peer-rejected found small improvements in peer acceptance and friendship nominations after a targeted group program that combined skill practice with peer and adult support.
That distinction matters: learning to regulate emotions, cooperate, and solve problems can help a child participate with peers, but friendship is reciprocal. Your child also needs opportunities to meet classmates who enjoy their company.
Work with the school to create more chances to connect
Teachers see parts of the school day that parents cannot. Share what your child has told you and ask what the teacher notices during group work, recess, lunch, or transitions. You might ask whether there is a club, classroom responsibility, lunch group, or structured activity linked to your child’s interests. A trusted teacher, coach, counselor, or librarian can also help a child find a welcoming place to begin.
Ask for support that preserves your child’s dignity. For example: “Could you help them find a partner for the science activity?” is more specific than “Please make sure everyone is friends with my child.” The school cannot make children become close friends, but adults can set up inclusive activities, notice repeated exclusion, and help students participate safely.
Belonging at school is broader than having a friend. In a nationally representative U.S. survey from 2021, 61.5% of high-school students said they felt close to people at school. Students reporting greater school connectedness also reported lower prevalence of several risk behaviors and experiences. The survey shows an association, not proof that connectedness alone caused those differences, and the figure applies to U.S. high-school students—not every age group. Still, it underlines why supportive relationships with adults and a welcoming school climate matter alongside peer friendships.
Respect your child’s temperament and identity
Some children warm up slowly or prefer one-to-one conversations. Others enjoy groups but need downtime afterwards. These differences do not need to be “fixed.” Help your child find settings that fit them, such as a small club organized around an interest, rather than assuming the loudest or biggest group is the best place to make friends.
Also consider whether the environment is welcoming to your child’s identity, language, disability, or support needs. If a child is repeatedly left out of activities, ask the school how it makes clubs, group work, and social events accessible and inclusive. The responsibility for inclusion does not rest on the excluded child alone.
Take repeated exclusion or bullying seriously
Being left out once, a friendship disagreement, and bullying are not always the same thing. The CDC’s public-health definition of bullying involves unwanted aggressive behavior, a power imbalance, and repetition or a high likelihood of repetition. Bullying can be social or relational, such as repeatedly leaving someone out or spreading rumors. A single hurtful incident still deserves care, even if it does not meet that definition.
If your child seems distressed, ask what happened, when and where it tends to happen, whether it has happened before, and which adults were nearby. Avoid blaming your child or telling them simply to ignore it. Write down dates and details you know, then contact the teacher or another appropriate school staff member. Ask what support will help your child feel safe, who will follow up, and when you will check in again. Federal guidance recommends a coordinated school response and follow-up rather than leaving the child to handle a bullying situation alone.
Know when to seek extra help
Consider talking with your child’s teacher, school counselor, pediatrician, or another qualified professional if social difficulty persists, causes significant distress, or interferes with school, friendships, or activities your child wants to join. NIMH advises seeking help when emotional or behavioral concerns last for weeks or longer, cause distress, or interfere with functioning. That is a reason to ask for an assessment—not a reason to diagnose your child yourself.
If your child talks about hurting themselves or someone else, or you believe they are in immediate danger, seek urgent local help. In the United States, call or text 988 for suicide and crisis support, or call 911 for immediate danger.
Progress may look modest at first: your child speaks to one classmate, joins an activity, or identifies an adult they trust. Ask what felt good and what they would like to try next. The aim is not a perfect social life. It is helping your child find safe, mutual connections while knowing they have support along the way.
References
We all know importance of friendship in our lives.Every child finds it a bit troubling to make new friends.Child obsessed with friends. I have no friends.Friendships are an important aspect of your child’s social life. Strong friendships that last long are a key to make your child happy, healthy, secure and more engaged in society. Friends help them to bear their hard times with ease and make their fun times more enjoyable. There are many ways to be social. Your child does not have to be surrounded by friends always or does not have to be the life of the party type of person. He needs not to have a dozen friends to be happy. But what really important is that does your child feel satisfied and supported in his social circle or not.Parents are really struggling in searching answer for the question “how to help my child make friends at school ?”
Help Your Children to Make Life Long
Friendships
We all have friendship challenges in our lives. But this does not mean that something is wrong with us or that we are misfit. The same goes for children. These are the problems that be overcome easily. Teach your child to take another person’s perspective. When they learn to look at a point for different perspectives, this helps them to be more empathetic and understanding. This helps their ability to resolve conflicts. Following are some ways in which you can make your child have lifelong friendships by helping them to overcome their shyness and fears.
- The first struggle a child bears is to initiate a friendship. Sometimes their shyness prevents them from taking the first step. They will often be reluctant to make eye contacts or express them loudly to a potential friend. This gives the other person the impression that you are unsocial and unfriendly. But this can be easily corrected. First let your child observe how other people greet each other. Set an example yourself. This will help them to learn how common interactions are done. Shy kids do not want to draw much attention to themselves. Tell them that they are making everyone attentive to them by not saying ‘hello’. Make your child rehearse by looking at the forehead and talk. Set goals and start by having your child talk to someone who is easier to greet. The start will feel awkward but things will get easier and better with practice and patience.
- Persistence is another issue. Your child will hesitate to make another move when his first attempt was a mistake. Tel your child that we all make social blunders and it is nothing to be ashamed of. As long as you correct yourself and do not make the same mistake repeatedly, you are fine. If your child made a move and was unable to get the desired response, then tell him to pick the stop signal. Respect other people’s comfort and boundaries. But do not get dis-hearted, if there are some people who dislike you, there will be many more who love you and welcome your initiatives. Teach your child to be kind to everyone always because kindness goes a long way and stays in people’s hearts.
- Children often find themselves difficult to blend in a group. There can be two ways in which a kid can approach a group. Either he will hold back and never muster up the courage to join the group or he will get in the game and steal the ball and make everyone run behind him following his rules. Studies suggest that if a child first observes the game and then slides without disturbing the game will be more likely to join the group later. Playground strategies are sometimes different. It is often times the parents who push their children to go and join the other children in the game. But children become successful in joining the group when they do not draw much attention to themselves. When they do not try to make everyone follow their rules. When they respect the players and the pattern of the group, they are more welcomed. Kids must be taught to face rejection as well. Tell them that it is quite common to be rejected the first time. Teach them to just shrug it off, be cheerful and move on.
- Teach your child to stand up for himself in a healthy way. His lack of assertiveness can lead him to being resentful. And if they are too bossy and hostile, they may start a conflict. Tell them to negotiate their matters. Talk about what is bothering them with the other person. Find a way out. Always be flexible in responses to every situation.
- Always be open to forgiveness and understand that friends can make mistakes too. Be able to let go. Do not hold on to bitterness and keep remembering all the bad incidences, rather accept that nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes.
- Research shows encouragement increases the confidence and success rate in any action. Use this tool often
