Well your child just hit 13 or already into teen age? Big EEN age phase of life. The teen years bring plenty of parenting challenges.We have received daily many queries regarding best upbringing teenage girl or teenage boy with discipline and avoid mistake. Here are few listed and addressed by experts
How do you treat a teenager?
What problems do teenage parents face?
How do you deal with a teenage girl?
Why are teenage years so difficult?
What are the behavioral traits of teenager?
Why is my teenager so angry?
What are the teenage problems?
How do you get your teenager to respect you?
What age comes after teenage?
How do I parent my teenage daughter?
Little Children, Little Worries – Big Children, Big Worries
Probably all parents think about the phrase when the child grows up, puberty reaches its climax and, at least in phases, the upbringing of the teenager is more like a power struggle. It simply cannot be confirmed that the worries and problems grow with the age of the child. In any case, the relationship between father, mother and offspring changes; education requires new structures and approaches. The child no longer automatically sees Papa the superhero. The mom is no longer the woman you want to marry later. Teenagers tend to know everything better than adults. Parents are completely old school and stuffy. Quarrels and misunderstandings often arise – on both sides.
WHY DO TEENAGERS FIGHT SO MUCH WITH PARENTS?
Quarreling with father and mother is an important part of teenage autonomy. As a toddler, your child had no doubt about your knowledge. You could give him the most absurd answers to the most fantastic children’s questions – your child believed everything and you were THE hero of your daughter or son for many years. Today daughter or son knows everything better. Even if the child is so wrong, it is always right. In his opinion.
ARGUING STRENGTHENS ASSERTIVENESS
Father and mother have to learn to let go. The teens now has more and more influence on his own life path and increasingly expresses his own will in order to implement it. This development has a lot of potential for conflict, which in itself is good for the maturation process, as long as, at least in basic matters, the teenager is still accessible for education. Some teens already show a marked maturity between 14 and 18, so that they are independent, reliable and largely without problems. But this is not the norm.
The teenagers gains valuable experience in parent-teenager conflicts. The teen manages to assert herself and gains experience in how to achieve important goals. But the teen will also reach the limits of parental patience and learn that you cannot always run your head through the wall and that everything is not about your own will.
DISPUTES CAN SHOW THEIR OWN LIMITS
Most arguments between parents and teenagers are resolved. Sometimes “win” father and mother, sometimes the young person manages to assert himself. The latter is not always for your own benefit. If you want to head through the wall against any reason, you occasionally get bumps and bruises.
Upbringing is also that, as a father, you “allow” your child to make mistakes and have to stand up for it yourself. Most teens need an extensive collection of mistakes until they are able to better weigh their own actions in the future. The conflicts often arise at intervals. Weeks and months of arguments follow phases in which there is family peace – until the next bang. Especially when things are going well for teenagers, many teenagers tend to be cocky. Then the next phase of the dispute begins.
DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES – WHICH IS THE BEST?
Pedagogy knows various styles of upbringing, ranging from strictly authoritarian up to laissez-faire. Depending on the preferred style, children and teens are brought up with controls and punishments, then one speaks of permissive education.
Other parents have a very high level of understanding for the child – and almost everything that it does. In authoritative parenting, parents exert a lot of influence through control and rigor. Some parents neglect to educate. The child runs alongside and receives little attention overall. Authoritarian education acts aggressively, knows almost only strictness and inhibits the development of adequate social skills.
Laissez-faire means almost no educational measures at all, since the teenagers can act autonomously and thus always enforces his or her will.
Despite their growing desire for autonomy, young people need rules and limits. as well as a protected frame that gives them support. A blanket recommendation for a particular parenting style does not make sense. Rather, experienced educators know that too much rigor is as problematic as laissez-faire. The best way to educate is probably a flexible middle ground that is used in a situation-appropriate manner.
WHAT IS THE HEALTHY MIDDLE GROUND FOR BRINGING UP
Parents do not have to let their children dance around on their noses even in difficult teen. Fundamental rules that have always existed in the family are essentially preserved – even during puberty . However, your teenager should be able to express their own opinions and be allowed to negotiate with you in certain areas so that the daughter or son can gradually negotiate more freedom.
Negotiating, arguing logically and convincing with factual reasons, so that dad and mom can relax fixed rules and remove certain limits, can be a very good process within the maturation process if parents do not consent too early, but also do not show too much power and the young person has no chance to negotiate more (age-appropriate) freedoms with real arguments.
One example is the conflict issue of how long teen can stay outside at the weekend or at a party.
Legislators provide certain times for this depending on their age. These can be used as a basis in your family. But you may also be one of the parents who, out of concern, restrict this legal freedom, so that your child has to be at home earlier than the law allows. With increasing age, you can give your son or daughter more freedom if your child convinces you with factual arguments that you can stay away for half an hour or an hour longer.
ANCHOR SUCCESSFUL STRATEGIES
Education is a learning effect. By teaching your child positive behavior, you can positively influence their development. If your child progresses with negative behavior, this has a negative impact on their development. An important part of the upbringing of young people is to establish and anchor desired successful strategies as behavior patterns; to ban bad strategies from the behavioral inventory if possible. Here is an example.
Most teenagers are extremely patient in asking the same question over and over again. They repeat themselves until the father or mother give in annoyed and the teen has got his way. The learning effect for teenagers:
“I just have to annoy long enough to reach my goal!”
If you give in to such a situation, you are conditioning your child for bad behavior. It is much better if you make it clear to him that “annoying” does not lead to success, but that it should convince you factually and with good arguments. If you stay consistent, your son / daughter will deal with how they can argue with you in order to stay longer at the party. If it makes good arguments, you can extend the time window for half an hour or an hour and your child will benefit from it. During the negotiations with you, it was ripe and (almost) grown up, thought, and the reward for this positive behavior is additional freedom.
It is important that the boy or girl not only negotiate a relaxation of the rules, but also abide by the agreements that you have made together. If agreements are not kept, logical consequences must follow. In this case: At the next party there is no room for negotiation and you specify the time when daughter / son has to be at home.
AGREE SOLUTIONS TOGETHER
You can apply this example to many situations in your family life. Be it that your teenager absolutely wants an expensive cell phone, that the youth room wants to be renovated or … The older your child, the more sensible and mature you can and should talk to each other.
Teenagers should be involved in making decisions about them. They should also be allowed to take on more and more responsibility, because every task that is solved well conveys valuable experience and strengthens the self-confidence of the teenager. Young people also want to take more responsibility. For example, if you want to design the walls in the youth room yourself. As a father, you can then agree on solutions with the teen, explain to them how to properly paper and paint – and leave the rest to your child.
A good middle ground: You first allow the redesign of a wall. If your daughter or son makes this wall neat, the other walls can also be designed.
By involving your offspring in this way and giving them responsibility, the teens can influence family life and make important decisions. As far as it is reasonable, you can also allow wrong decisions and allow your child to “control” learning based on unpleasant consequences as a result of wrong decisions.
GROWING UP IS A LEARNING PROCESS
The whole life is a continuous process of learning and so puberty is a learning process that is influenced by education. Too much rigor, too many prohibitions and too many rigid rules hinder development and just as much freedom from a pedagogical point of view is problematic.
Youth education should be a balanced compromise of:
- Strict and binding rules
- Free space and flexible rules
- Involvement of the youth in decisions
- positive experiences of success
- unpleasant experiences
Then there is enough scope for young people to try out and learn what challenges adult life presents to young people and how they can deal with it independently and independently. If you manage to agree on compromises and solutions when dealing with your pubescent child and your daughter or son adheres to them, you have found a good way.
The Right Upbringing For Teenagers in 2020
Why are young people behaving more conspicuously today than in the past? What is the fault of parents and how can they avoid parenting mistakes? Answers from the educational advisor Sarah Renold.
Sarah Renold, you are an educator and work as an education and youth coach. Your book “Attention Teenagers – Understand, Promote and Challenge Adolescents” has recently been published. Are teenagers more challenging for parents today than they used to be?
Every generation is challenged again and again with the upbringing of children and teenagers. Today, however, we are facing changes that create previously unknown challenges for parents. For example, children and teens are often miles ahead of us when using computers. There are also social changes that have a major impact on young people. For example, leisure behavior is becoming increasingly important for young and old.
Do parents need more help when dealing with teenagers ?
Families who want to live a good everyday life and want to implement their educational goals are particularly challenged in the puberty phase of their children. My tips are aimed at them, but also at everyone else who deals with teenagers. Parents can change a lot if they are willing to reflect and work on themselves. It is important to notice what signals you send out to your young children.
They raise the question of which parenting style is the right one. Isn’t this question asked too late for teenagers?
It is important to keep asking yourself this question. The family often gets along well with their children, but puberty starts a new chapter. Parents are suddenly confronted with things in which they hardly recognize their child. That can happen within half a year. Norms and rules no longer apply, the teenager approaches his parents differently. And he also deals differently with all other things in his life. At this point, questioning the parenting style and the question of how to continue as a family? central.
Isn’t there a danger that teen will refuse to try to raise their parents?
Sarah Renold is an education and youth coach, family consultant and author and mother of two children.
Rebellious and rejecting behavior is common among teenagers – which is also completely normal because they are undergoing a process of replacement. For parents, this means that you don’t have to be offered everything. Nevertheless: an overly strict parenting style with a lot of rules, little flexibility and little say is problematic. Likewise the style of the Laisser-Faire. Both extremes have been shown to have a poor impact on teen development and parent-teen relationships.
It’s about finding a way to deal with the changing demands and behaviors of young people. A healthy middle ground, in which the teenager is taken seriously in his maturing thinking and acting. At the same time, the growing demands for freedom among teenagers can and should be compared with more concrete requirements and tasks to be performed.
Do parents have to communicate differently with teenagers to be understood?
Yes, communication is more in the direction of adult communication. Real interest in young people and their world is of the greatest importance; that includes talking to him and listening to him. That sounds banal, but experience shows that this is less and less lived in everyday life. It is partly due to fear of contact, because the children can do very rough and the parents reject. I strongly recommend that you stay tuned, maintain contact. That means that the parents question their own behavior: how often, what and how do I actually talk to my partner? How do I deal with my children? When was the last time I praised my child?
Do teenagers have too many freedoms today that overwhelm them?
Teenagers generally want to be challenged. Central to this are real tasks that have an effect in real life – really babysitting, really being responsible for a pet, really repairing a bike. Today, our teenagers are confronted with a lot of brain teasers, tasks from school that are not sufficiently practical in relation to real life. Teenagers want to show what they’re made of. The problem is that they have little opportunity to do just that. Many would be more motivated to learn and get involved if they were really challenged. Then they would also have to measure their strength less aggressively in their free time.
To come back to your question: Today teenagers are not overwhelmed but the opposite is the case. You are challenged.
Let’s talk about youth violence. How responsible is parental behavior and what can parents do about it?
Aggressive behavior is problem behavior. Different causes are always responsible for problem behavior. For example, the inherited temperament that is already visible in young children. A temperamental child deals differently with his sandpit boy than a calm, reserved child. Then there is the influence of society. The third point is the signals from the family environment. Is aggressive behavior considered normal in this family? Was the child beaten? Was it neglected? Or was it overprotected or put under pressure to meet parental expectations? More specifically asked: Are there clear rules in this family? Are they adhered to? Does not following have consequences? Are these appropriate or exaggerated? Are there rituals? All of this is formative. In teenage you can see the result of many years of development. Now it shows whether the teenager can behave normally, has learned social skills: can he, for example, perceive his needs and express them adequately, can he be considerate of others, committed to something?
So the parents really have a big impact on how a child develops, but that’s also an opportunity. Just as you can screw something up, you can improve it. The rule applies: the longer something lasts, the longer it takes and the more difficult it is to find out from the pattern. Even if nothing guarantees 100% success immediately: there are always opportunities to take a happier path in bringing up and dealing with children and teenagers and there is always the chance that everyday family life can be changed for the better.
This is the Key to Calm Parenting
Calm parenting is easier said than done. In this episode of Mom Docs, Dr. Dehra Harris shares a few tips to help you stop escalating your punishments and start seeing results.
10 Things You Should Never Say to Teens
Here are 10 things you should never say to teens being a parent is no easy task especially when your kids are teens that’s when it seems like you’re always butting heads with them we all know that words can cut deeper than a knife which is why knowing how to communicate with your teens is key. So what phrases are an absolute no-no ?
#1. “You’re okay.”
#2. “I’m so fat!”
#3. “Hurry up!”
#4. “Don’t be sad.”
#5. “Let me do it.”
#6. “You’re so incredible!”
#7. “Good job!”
#8. “You need to set a good example for your little brother/sister”
#9. “Go kiss Grandma.’
#10. “I’m so proud of you!”
Here is the details why ?
9 Hurtful Things Parents Tell Teens
#1: “Don’t do that!”
#2: “As long as you live under my roof, you’ll follow my rules!”
#3: “Come on, don’t be sad!”
#4: “How could you do this to me?”
#5: “Find your passion.”
#6: “You’re getting kinda fat.”
#7: “You’re so smart!”
#8: “What’s wrong with you?”
#9: “Why can’t you be more like…?”
Details are here:
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