Separation or divorce is a life changing step of couples but with negative effects on families especially when kids are associated with them. It is strongly recommended to seek therapist or expert advice before pursuing for divorce. If finally both have decided then must go through all the study cases or meet couples or read stories of families who already have gone through this phase of poor life. Keep end in mind before separation so that you can get ready for challenges.
After the divorce those who suffer the most are the children. Parents also have a hard time bearing with the event. But the thing highlighted the most in the article is the behavior of borderline parents and their effect on children. Borderline parents are those who have a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), it is an illness of the mind with the inability to manage emotions and feelings. It occurs in relationships and is not gender specific. Fathers with Borderline Personality Disorder have increased attachment issues with their wives, fluctuating between extreme needs to extreme rejection. In such a case when a divorce occurs, this extreme need for attachment shifts towards the children. Mothers with BPD have extreme attachment to their children.
The rejection after the divorce that the spouse feels, leads to many traumatic situations. In such cases the attachment of the father shifts from the mother towards his children. This attachment and abrupt and intense and often involves competition with the mother and use of child to punish the mother. The purpose is to weaken the child’s bond with the mother. This involves the use of abuse, insult, punishment, withdrawal and negative competition. In such a situation the father tries hard to prove to the child that he is more good and desirable than his mother. And if he does not succeed, the result is punishment of the child either emotional or physical. For example, the father may cook food for the child make him say that he cooks better than the mother. If a child says no, the father says to never cook for him for life. He allows his children to do things that the mother would not permit. For example, play video games for unlimited time.
The divorced fathers often use the kids to spy on the mother. They themselves feel abandoned and to show their resentment, they use the children to spoil the happiness of the mother. And if their motives are not fulfilled, they make the child feel selfish and ungrateful. Such fathers often use the threat of abandonment and manipulate their kids to give in to their demands. They make their children feel responsible for their miserable lives and blame them for not making them happy. They portray themselves as the victim of their mother’s cruelty. They strive to show to the children that they are more responsible and caring than their mother. This damages the relationship between the mother and the child and leaves the child in confusion.
In such tense situations, children are often made responsible to take care of the happiness of the parents. With the reversal of these roles, children are often put into brutal situations where they have to choose between the parents. And for this blackmail is involved to make the child reject the other parent. This can take the form of threat, withdrawal, punishment or guilt.
These manipulative behaviors of the father sometimes backfires. And children become more attached to their mothers. Because punishment and emotional abuse greatly weakens the bond rather than strengthening it. But the child who suffers this emotional tension gets scarred for life. He is unable to have loving relationships with both the parents. With constant pressure at home, such a child develops low self-confidence, low self-esteem that affects his personal and professional relationships later in life. If you ever find yourself in such a situation, it is better to take help from a therapist. Divorce is tough. And it is tougher for the kids. So for the sake of your children, do not drag them into negative competitions and conflicts. They love both their parents, do not make them make a choice between the two. It is better if you keep your reactions and emotions under control.
What are the negative effects of divorce on children? How divorce can affect a child? Do divorced parents affect a child’s behavior?
As per researchers, experts and therapists Children Negative Effects of Divorce are emerged as Emotional Pain and Suffering.
- Sentiment of of lack of confidence
- Lower self-esteem
- Violent, irritated
- Inferior social skills
How do I help my child cope with divorce?
- Get assistance of expert and therapist or read first to make yourself ready for facing the challenges associated with this life changing step.
- Assist your kids to put their feelings and mental approach into words
- With your actions reassure trustworthiness
- Endorse their feeling
- Offer full unconditional support
How do you tell your children you are getting a divorce?
Select better timing to tell your kids once parents have decided divorce or separation. Please must remember keep it to yourselves until you know for sure
Keep it simple, sit with children and inform them together. Ensure them it’s not because of you (children).Never go for blame game. Spare children the details.
[This Article was posted in 21st Feb 2018 and updated in Jan 3, 2020]